Exploring Grief & Loss | Part One
This is part 1 of a 3 part blog series on exploring grief & loss. In this post, I will reflect on grief in the context of having a loved one pass away, and I will share a personal loss experience and my grieving journey.
When my best friend unexpectedly died when we were 21 years old, my life was turned upside down. Jill and I met when we were 3 and bonded over our shared birthday, the start of a beautiful friendship that tragically ended when a hiking accident took her away from the physical world. As a rising college senior, my inner emotional being was already swirling from the many unknowns and anticipated transitions. But when Jill died, I experienced a rawness and vulnerability infiltrating my body, mind, and spirit in a way that I could never have anticipated.
I remember ebbing and flowing through the “Stages of Grief” (anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance, meaning) and not feeling connected to them, wondering how people could categorize their grief and put them into these boxes. Kind and well-intentioned people in my life provided words of comfort and encouragement, but my response was continued internalized frustration and anger, hurt and loneliness; I felt isolated in my experience and shocked by how others in the world were carrying on with their lives after such a loss. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s words in Notes on Grief resonate as she reflects after the death of her father, “How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?”
I was baffled by how people continue to survive and function in this world with all the death and loss we face as humans. Questioning our truths and realities is a common shared experience after losing people we love, and this can be deeply unsettling. Adichie continues in Notes on Grief how suddenly losing her father made her question what she knew and what was certain to her: “How do people walk around functioning in the world after losing a beloved father?” Adichie continues: “Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger…You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.”
Stuck on a rollercoaster of churning emotions and continuing to spiral inward, language kept failing me as I tried to communicate to myself and with others - and I wondered if I would ever feel “normal” again. As I started my fall semester, I was distracted and struggling to keep up with coursework and life obligations. I felt disconnected from my friends and was experiencing anhedonia, or loss of interest in the activities I used to find enjoyable. I frequently cried and felt self-conscious and guilty doing so in front of my friends, worried they would feel uncomfortable and burdened by my sadness.
I eventually sought out therapy on campus, and it was profoundly helpful in normalizing and validating my grieving process. I had a safe space to share and process my emotions and behaviors, and most importantly I began to explore and internalize that all grief responses are valid; grief is felt and experienced differently by everyone, and that is normal. Some of us find comfort and regulation in taking time away from our responsibilities or work, surrounding ourselves with family and friends and talking about memories of our loved one who died - while others of us find comfort in solitude and continuing to work or study while creating some space from these raw memories.
There is not a right or wrong way to grieve, though Western culture often tells us otherwise. In many corners of our westernized, individualized world, our systems and institutions put parameters around grief - defining how we should be responding or feeling, and dictating structured timelines and appropriateness around the grieving process. Many workplaces in the U.S. offer on average 3 days (or less!) of paid time off for bereavement, also often specifying the relationship of the employee to the person who died; for example, you can take this bereavement time only if the person who died is an immediate family member. This is oppressive and invalidating on a personal and societal level; and from a mental health perspective, this is limiting and unrealistic. Our brains are wired differently, and just as we have unique values, identities, and preferences in many spheres of our lives, we differ in how our minds and bodies grieve and what we individually (and/or collectively!) need to regulate and heal.
In her interview with Glennon Doyle, Marissa Renee Lee reminds us that “healing shouldn’t be a privilege” and we need to redefine what being “ok” looks like after we lose someone we love. The underlying message many receive from workplaces or schools is: you should be able to show up to work/school 3 days after the death of someone you love and be productive - and when this doesn’t align with your experience, it can trigger feelings of shame and self-doubt. Grief is not something that will resolve in a few days, and there may be times through the grieving process we show up in ways that society defines as more or less productive - and that is normal. One day we may feel emotionally regulated and ready to face the day, and the next we may feel heavy and activated. Grief is fluid and unpredictable - and the grieving process is unique to each of us, our relationship to the person who has died, and many other factors related to our identities and environments.
I invite us to consider: how do we hold space for and honor our relationship with grief? How do we sit with and acknowledge the feelings and emotions that come with grieving, and accept that this is a fluid, non-linear process? How do we explore and continue our bond with our loved one who died?
I will reflect on how to honor and find meaning in and through the grieving process in Part 2 of our Exploring Grief & Loss blog series, coming soon!
@MentalHealth Femme (Ericka Gail, M.S.ed)
If you are grieving the loss of someone you love, we are holding you close in our hearts and minds and are here for you at Room to Breathe. We invite you to explore our therapy and yoga/mindfulness offerings to support you in your grief journey.
Join Margy for a grief processing workshop, Stitching the Wound: Caring for Ourselves in Grief on Sunday, October 27th at 3 pm. Learn more + register here.
Resources:
Notes on Grief - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Grief is Love: Living with Loss - Marisa Renee Lee *and her interview with Glennon Doyle!
Oppression of the Bereaved - Darcy Harris
Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler