What is attachment anyway?

Feb 26

Written By Dr. Ramya Matam-Kannan, PsyD.

Imagine the following:

Your friends, Avery and Bailey, recently went on a first date. Avery becomes anxious after their first date and “ghosts” Bailey. Later, Bailey calls Avery and asks them about their recent behavior. Avery responds with “Sorry, I have anxious attachment so that’s why I ghosted you.” Bailey is left confused, and they don’t really know what that means.

If you’ve been on social media lately, you’ve likely heard about attachment styles. You may have even heard or relate to the scenario above. So you may be wondering…what are attachment styles? What does “attachment” really mean? And what do you do about it? Read on to find out!

What is attachment anyway?

Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist John Bowlby and then further researched in the 1970s by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory examines emotional bonding and connectedness in early life. This means that it talks about the understanding of how primary caregivers and their behavior impacts their children’s behavior, experience, and level of anxiety, etc.

According to Bowlby (1969/1982), attachment describes behavior that is learned from our caregivers in early life. He also goes on to say that, as babies, we become attached to our caregivers because they provide necessities like food and shelter, which means that they will survive.

Ainsworth (1973) went on to say that our attachment as a baby has an impact on our behaviors as adults, but is only a small piece of who we become. Here is some information about these attachment styles in young children (or take a deeper dive in this Psych Central article):

Secure attachment - children show some anxiety and nerves when separated from caregivers and show joy when they are reunited

This is the most common attachment style.
Children often have high self-esteem, are self-reliant, perform well in school, and have satisfying social relationships.

Anxious/Avoidant - children become anxious when their caregivers are gone, and tend to avoid their caregivers and do not prefer their caregiver over a stranger

This can sometimes happen if the child was in an emotionally distant environment or had absent caregivers.
Children have a strong sense of independence and do not rely on others for care or support; may have hard time asking for help or making friends.

Anxious/Ambivalent - children are anxious when their caregiver is gone but do not acknowledge them when they come back.

The child may have been in an environment with inconsistent parenting

Children may exhibit a fear of rejection, have a hard time being alone, or have lower self-esteem

Disorganized/Disoriented - children may seem confused whether the caregiver is present or not

The child may have been in a household with neglect or abuse.
The child may have a hard time coping with their emotions, experience anxiety, have difficulty trusting others, and have a hard time in relationships.

Remember: these styles are for children. This does not mean that these styles are consistent throughout our lives. Our experiences can change how we relate to others. For example, we may be securely attached as a child but be in an unhealthy romantic relationship, which then impacts our future relationships. Or, we could have an avoidant-anxious style as a child but have caregivers who change their parenting style, go to therapy, get support from our communities, and we become more securely attached as we get older. Things change! We’re humans, not computers! Actually, even computers have software updates sometimes :-)

What attachment is not

While attachment plays a role in healthy development, it is not something that defines our ability to have healthy, secure relationships as an adult. It may explain some relationships, but is not a label to tell the future about how we will be in all of our relationships. At the most, it tells us ways to improve and how we can advocate for our needs.

Attachment styles such as “anxious attachment” or “secure attachment” have been buzzwords in social media lately. This has created more curiosity and sometimes, a panic, as we reflect on our own upbringing as well as relationships in adulthood. Attachment theory and the aforementioned attachment styles are NOT a diagnosis, rather a descriptor for certain aspects of an individual. It is also not a label that we need to use to explain away behaviors in relationships, the way Avery does in our example above. We are not not talking about a “disease”, “something wrong”, or an “explanation” but rather understanding how we relate and connect to others. Of course, difficulty with attachment can imply other diagnoses, but on its own, it is nothing more than a descriptor, similar to “I loved coloring as a child.”

So, what should I do about it?

As a rule of thumb, if you see mental health advice on social media, ALWAYS verify with evidence-based sources and professionals.

Find a therapist! Going to therapy does not have to mean that you need to improve upon something, it can be equivalent to going to the gym or visiting your doctor for a regular check-up. Your mental health needs check-ups too!

Discuss with professionals or discuss with a therapist what your style of attachment might mean, reflect on your childhood and adult experiences, and examine your values and behaviors in current relationships.