Ask A Therapist: What if I don’t have anything to talk about in therapy?

In Ask A Therapist, our therapists answer questions about therapy, mental health, and healing practices. Today, Kelsey answers the question: what if I don’t have anything to talk about in therapy?

Connect with Ramya at RamyaMK@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com

Connect with Kelsey at KelseySchroeder@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com

Learn more about Kelsey’s upcoming workshop, Voting for Community: Strategies to Manage Election-Related Distress & Enhance Communal Care on September 13th.

Interview transcript {edited for clarity}

Ramya (she/her): All right. Hello, everybody.

Thank you for logging in and listening to our Ask A Therapist soundbite today. Today, we have Kelsey, who's a clinician at our practice, and I'll let her introduce herself and the questions she's going to address today. 

Kelsey (she/her): Yeah. Hey, everyone. So yes, my name is Kelsey Schroeder. I'm a psychologist here at Room to Breathe. Thanks for meeting with me, Ramya. I'm really excited.

Ramya: Yeah, of course.

Kelsey: So the question I brought into the space is: what if I don't have anything to talk about in therapy? Which is something that I hear pretty consistently across the board, like from clients, at times from colleagues and their experience with clients. And then also, I think it's a conversation that's coming up a bit more like on social media, like I'm seeing it more on therapy-tok, on Instagram, those kinds of things, and I thought it'd be a little bit, it'd be helpful or useful to discuss, like, what happens with this? And like, what can we do with this question that is so human and valid? 

Ramya: Mhmm, yeah. 

Kelsey: So the first part of what I like to tell clients, and also what I've discussed with colleagues, from as I'm sure, you know, we've discussed these kinds of questions consistently in shared spaces, is the importance of still showing up and getting curious with the question. So I think so often what can happen is this kind of question or maybe fear that gets brought up with it or concern is like, well, what if I don't have anything to talk about, what am I going to use that space for? What do I use the hour that's mine for? And I think so often, it can really deter clients from showing up in the space, or they can feel really anxious, like, well, what, what do I need to bring like, it is my responsibility to bring the things into this space, which is true. And also, it's okay to not know and still show up and get curious with the question, because we can still work with the feelings that are brought up with that question.

I also think the second part of that, that's so important to follow up with just showing up and getting curious with it is taking a moment to breathe and consider what has been taking up emotional space for you that week. And this can truly be anything. We talk about - there can be a space to explore anything that comes up. It is also okay to be like, you know, I haven't had a lot of time or energy or bandwidth this week to look at what's happening in my life. Or there's just certain weeks where there's less things that are requiring our attention and space. Or like there's less things that are on fire. And it can be okay to be like, you know what, I need to take a moment to start today, because I haven't considered or I've had a hard time figuring out what is it that I want use this space for? Can we just take kind of data points? It's like, what's taking up emotional space for me this week? Or like, what have I been doing to take care of myself?

Ramya: Yeah. I think sometimes when people ask me this, or they're like, Well, I don't really have anything to talk about. It can also be useful to think about themes that we've talked about in the past, right? Like, there's not always, quote unquote, fires to put out or problems to address. And that's okay, there doesn't have to be, we can still do long term work and understand other themes and patterns and stuff like that, that we've been discussing with our therapists.

Kelsey: Absolutely. I think, too, to your point, like, sometimes, if we feel like we're getting kind of lost in the ether, or if it's getting too abstract, we always can tie to the concreteness of our treatment goals of like, we named these things when we first started meeting together, do those things feel relevant right now? Do those things still feel as useful or important, or is there something that we don't get to tackle - to your point of like, we can always get curious, like, what doesn’t get attended to we're often putting out other fires? 

Ramya: Mm hmm. 

Kelsey: There are things that take up space, things that we think about late at night sometimes, that we talk about with our friends randomly, right? Like there's often something that is sitting, but it just may often get shelved because other things might just require more attention and effort, or to your point, like if we have just put out other fires. But then there's weeks where like, or think about, like, if the water is still we can also see a little bit deeper. And sometimes those are the weeks that if we allow ourselves to be in the moment and again, like get curious things that we didn't expect to come up do and it can offer a lot of insight, or data points, of other things that can be again, like don't necessarily get to be seen and heard in the same way when other things in life are getting prioritized. 

Ramya: Yeah, for sure. I think it could also be a common misconception that you only show up to therapy when there's problems to attend. But it can also, you know, be maintenance, maybe you don't meet as often, maybe you're not meeting every week or twice a week or whatever it is. But it can be maintenance and it can be like going to the gym, right, or like moving your body. We don't do those things only when there's something that we need to heal. We do those to be proactive, or the same as like, if you're getting your yearly checkup at the medical doctor's office, you don't go in just because there's a problem or concern, you go in just for a tune up. And so those, I think sometimes that gets lost in translation too of like, well, I don't have anything to talk about. So I'm not going to come today. Or I'm just going to do a 10 minute check in with my therapist, well no, like, what else is happening in life? And how can we tune up other areas? And like you said, just get curious about what else is happening when there's not necessarily a concern or a problem? Right?

Kelsey: Absolutely. Well and I think, to your point, too, there's a difference between it happening kind of randomly, or kind of sporadically, as opposed, like, it feels like it's a consistent theme, but both deserve the space to be explored, right? I think often, if it becomes a consistent theme then it is worth thinking about, like, okay, like, are you actually just doing or implementing a lot of the therapy work outside of session, like that can be actually a really great meaning marker of, to your point, the maintenance of it? Or if it feels like it's gonna be more sporadic or random, it's gonna be like, okay, yeah, like, so this sessions gonna look a little bit different. That's also okay, too, because there's no right way to do therapy, there's no - even session to session where you have something that is really top of mind for you to discuss, those sessions aren't going to look the same either. And it can often offer some consideration too of like, yeah, if you don't know, like, what happens somatically then? And we live in a culture, in a society where we're always demanded to know exactly what's happening next, what we're going to be doing, right, like, there's all these expectations and narratives around what's deemed, quote unquote, competent, or is competency, or we have to have such great insight to be self actualized. I mean, like, that's never a constant state of being. 

Ramya: Right. 

Kelsey: And then it's also the the ability to kind of look a little bit deeper emotionally and somatically. Like, well, what happens when you don't know? What happens when there are these moments of pause? Where like, I'm actually not sure what comes next? Can we tie that into some existential anxiety about like, ambiguity, which all humans experience, can we look at the meaning that you make, or how you feel about yourself when you don't know what to bring in, right? Like, there's all these kind of different avenues and routes we can start pulling up that can be really -  both informative, but I also think can be really caring to ourselves. That can also be then templated to other spaces in life when we don't know the answer. And that that doesn't have to be immediately fixed. It can simply be attended to and cared for.

Ramya: Right.

I had a thought, and I lost it. That's alright. You can keep going.

Kelsey: Sure, sure. I think too, to kind of expand a little bit more on that. I think so often, as well, when people feel like they don't know what to talk about, or how to use the space, there could also be some data of like, how have you been told therapy is supposed to be used? Right? Especially because so much of therapy, before people come in and like get to explore and experience it. - It's a beautiful thing, right? - Is how we discuss it socially, or culturally, or like what we see in social media and pop culture, those kind of things. So often, we see it being kind of this really deep psychoanalytic work, talking about, like the core roots of relationships. And that said, those things don't absolutely deserve space.

Ramya: Right, it can be that, it's just not always that.

Kelsey: Absolutely. And it doesn't have to be that, right. It could also be anything that feels useful or supportive. And sometimes what's supportive is just being like, I'm not sure, I should be present in this moment. And can I do that with somebody else? Aka my therapist, and allow it to be maybe a little bit uncomfortable, but not intolerable? 

Ramya: Yep. 

Kelsey: Or can it be manageable? Inner discomfort? And can I see how that shows up in other areas of my life, too, because therapy is the microcosm, right? Like, it's very, very rare that anything is occurring in therapy that hasn't occurred or isn't occurring somewhere else in your life.

Ramya: Mm hmm. Yeah, for sure.

I remember what I was going to say now. Tying back to your point about, like the somatics. And understanding that about like the mind body connection, and how if we don't have anything pressing to talk about in therapy, but how we can use that space to kind of tap back into our body. And that's a wonderful place. I don't know about you, Kelsey, but for me, that's a wonderful place to introduce meditation or some grounding work, and trying to figure out what is happening in our bodies because like you said, I think we're taught to kind of just move on to the next thing and just to go, go, go but we don't have space to really just sit in our bodies in our mind and think about what's happening, and how that feels and what that means and how we are assigning meaning to those things. 

Kelsey: 1,000%. To your point too - It's interesting to think about the option that that would actually offer for such mindfulness. And how I think there's this belief of like if therapy, again, isn't useful in a certain way, it's considered like a not a useful space, which isn’t true, like we could always circle back. And or we can always attend to something new that's coming up and in the mind body connection too, when people I think both in terms I see this as a therapist, and also as a client in therapy, when people show up or don't know what to talk about that week, it can easily kind of transition or click into like an intellectualizing process of it, of like, okay, now I'm going to be thinking about like all the things that have happened this week, or I'm thinking about how I want to show up, or how I want to present or now because I feel anxious or fearful or concerned, I'm going to tap into some impression management, which again, so human, but being able to kind of drop into the body, it also helps kind of get us out of that cycle of intellectualizing away something that is uncomfortable and looking at, like, what answers has my body pulled in? And what else can be explored or tapped into or connected with, that maybe wouldn't have if we always think every week about this is, this is exactly the thing I want to talk about this week, and this is exactly how I want to talk about it. Because its still an openness to looking at, like, well, what's coming up? And how can we kind of work with that? And also, like, how are we letting your body lead us in some direction too?

Ramya: Totally. And that awareness is not something that we're innately taught, or maybe isn't even really valued all that much in other spaces, which is probably a whole other segment that we could do, honestly.

Kelsey: We’ll pin that one, we’ll pin that one. 

Ramya: Next time, we’ll do another one. As we wrap up here, if there was one thing that you want listeners to take away from our conversation today, what would it be?

Kelsey: Oh, that's a great question.

I would say maybe two things. The first being to just like really normalize and validate the question and concern of like, what if I don't have anything to talk about therapy, like what do I do with that? And the second being like that is okay, still show up. In the same way that we encourage clients to show up however they are, however they're doing with whatever’s happening in their lives. That is an okay way to show up and it's an okay thing to process and discuss out loud and it's not taboo. You're not doing therapy wrong. Just show up and get curious. 

Ramya: Yeah. I love that. Um, okay. Were you able to get through everything that you wanted to get through, anything else that you wanted to add before we wrap up?

Kelsey: Yeah, no, I think that encapsulates pretty much all of that. 

Ramya: Oh, that's great. Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Kelsey.

Listeners, I hope you're able to take something away from it. And make sure if you have any other burning questions or follow up feedback that you message us on Instagram, or look us up on our website, and we have tons of services that we offer. So hopefully, you guys are interested in some things and you can follow us there. Thanks again, Kelsey. I always enjoy our conversations together. 

Kelsey: Oh, me too. Thank you Ramya. I appreciate the space.

Ramya: Of course.