Beginnings and Endings
Therapists and long-time colleagues Margy and Hannah sit down to discuss two of their specialities, their similarities, and their differences. Much of Margy’s work is focused on grief processing for those facing the death of a loved one. Hannah has an affinity for working with birthing and non-birthing parents as they welcome a new family member into their lives. We bring you – Beginnings and Endings.
H: I know that you have many issues and interests dear to you in your work. To start us off, can you share how grief became an area of focus in your therapy practice?
M: When I was in my early 20s, one of my best friends in the world unexpectedly died- and it rattled me to my core. While I had supportive people in my life, I felt very isolated and alone in my grief experience and struggled to find the words to communicate to others what I was feeling and experiencing internally; I felt like I was grieving “wrong.” Over the years I experienced other losses and navigated many difficult life transitions, and as I began my professional journey as a social worker and therapist found myself drawn to creating communities and spaces where people can openly talk about their grief. My intention in both my individual and group grief work is for people to feel safe, supported, and validated to name any and all grief emotions they experience, and to recognize that grief is a normal and healthy reaction to the painful loss of someone they love. What about you, Hannah- what brought you into your work supporting parents?
H: This is one of our similarities, and for a lot of therapists, there is a personal reason why they specialize in what they do. When I had my first child, I lacked consistent connection from others in the same stage to validate and normalize my experience, which included sleep deprivation and postpartum anxiety. Often, when those first months with a new baby don’t feel magical, the birthing parent believes there must be something wrong with them, and that’s isolating. My other experiences in gender studies and reproductive justice work laid the groundwork for, as Lucy Jones says, motherhood to be “the most political experience of my life.” I gravitate towards new parents as one of my specialties so that I can be that validating presence for others and normalize that it is often a time of radical, beautiful, and difficult transformation.
I hear both of us talk about how there is not one “right” way to welcome a baby into the world or grieve the loss of a loved one. How do you talk about that with folks?
M: One of the most common insecurities and worries I hear from people who are grieving the death of a loved one is that they believe something is wrong with them, or that they are “doing grief wrong.” We are often messaged this narrative of an alleged “right” way to grieve through many channels and systems, particularly in the U.S; we see this oppression of the bereaved (shout out to Darcy Harris’ work on this) through written rules, like restrictive bereavement leave policies, to unspoken rules, like I should feel X way 1 year after my loved one died or after I’ve achieved X stage of grief. We also see this through societal or cultural norms, like expectations set around community-based rituals. As an example, a funeral can feel like a healing, validating, affirming way for one griever to mourn a death, and this same funeral can feel painful, invalidating, or oppressive depending on so many factors about a griever’s identities and their relationship with the person who died. I frequently name the reality that we are all different humans, with unique identities and nuanced relationships with our loved ones; therefore we will all mourn differently and oscillate through our grief in various ways, and that is 100% normal.
The people, systems and values we are raised in affect how we live in and experience the world. How have you seen systemic oppression affecting the parents you work with, and what changes do you wish to see on a societal level to better support parents?
H: You named great examples of how stigma takes a common human experience and adds layers of shame and self doubt. I see the same pattern in my work with parents: a common human experience, that is already hard, gets further isolated and weighed down by shame. I hear people struggling with guilt about being a “good enough” parent or being frustrated with their child or partner, and that hard emotion is made worse by the belief they “shouldn’t” feel this way or that it means something is “wrong” with them.
It’s so important to let go of that guilt and bring in self compassion, but also have a systemic awareness of why this is so hard. For example the lack of paid leave or affordable childcare; the system that enforces families taking care of themselves rather than being supported by a community; the expectation that women should be “perfect” mothers; the valuing of some kinds of families over others. The system is designed to make us focus on guilt and self blame, and therapy can be a place to challenge this system as well as care for ourselves.
Margy, what do you hope people take away from therapy when they’re grieving?
M: I love how you speak to therapy as a place to both challenge the system while caring for self and community; this resonates in my work with people who are grieving and mourning. My first and foremost intention for grievers in therapy is to feel seen, understood, and validated in whatever grief emotions and experiences they are navigating. I support and empower grievers to find a balance between giving themselves grace and permission to allow the grief emotions they are feeling to surface and move these through the body, and also permission to rest and distract from grief when needed. My hope in therapy is for people to have a greater understanding of the historical disenfranchisement of grief expression and processing in westernized culture; to name, explore and hold space and compassion for oscillating grief emotions and experiences, and identify coping tools and community for support; and to begin integrating their grief and loss into their life in a meaningful way.
I would love to hear what your hopes or intentions are for the parents you work with in the therapy space, Hannah! Also, any favorite texts or resources you often recommend to parents?
H: Your work is such a gift to those that are grieving! Just like your approach to those navigating death loss, I want those welcoming a new human into the world to feel seen, understood, and validated, whatever messy, conflicting emotions they experience. I want people to know that their struggles are as valid as their joys, to feel less alone in the hard parts, and to recognize when it is hard because of social isolation and oppression rather than fixed “fact.” There is a beautiful reparenting that can happen as someone builds a relationship with their child, and I want people to feel that they have a companion and cheerleader in that process.
It’s hard to pick just one resource, but I recently pulled out my copy of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did). It’s a classic. Also, I sent the We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode on “Mom Rage” to everyone I knew, while listening and crying, so that’s another one. What about you?
M: This has been wonderful having this conversation with you, Hannah– and parents who work with you are lucky to have you as their companion through all parts of their journey.
Similar to you, I am struggling to pick one resource that I love– so I’ll jump on board and share a favorite book and a podcast. The Grief Practice by Monique Minahan offers wonderful stories and resources about the mind-body connection in grief, and how to tune into and soothe these parts of ourselves; and the podcast Grief Out Loud deep dives into many areas of grief and the experience of navigating death-loss.
The last plug I wanted to put in as we wrap up together is the importance of finding community, which is a similar thread in our work of supporting folks through beginnings and endings. It can be isolating to go through beginnings and endings alone, and community and support systems can reduce isolation. We offer a variety of support groups at Room to Breathe, and our therapists can offer referrals to other groups, community-based organizations or resources if helpful.
As Monique Minahan writes in The Grief Practice:
There is nothing wrong with your grief.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are having a tremendous human experience.
Don’t hesitate to reach out if we can support you through these tremendous human experiences.
Connect with Margy: Margy@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com
Connect with Hannah: Hannah@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com
