Selfish Isn’t A Dirty Word
What do you think of when you hear the word selfish? If you’re like me, it’s likely you think of the negative connotation. But let’s think about what selfish actually means “arising from concern with one’s own welfare” (Merriam-Webster). This definition can sound a lot like self-care. So can being selfish in certain aspects of our lives be a good thing? Sounds like it to me!
I had a spa day for self-care…why don’t I feel better?
Self-care is a buzzword that we often see in social media nowadays. It’s often glamorized as spa days, getting nails done, massages, facials, etc. Individuals that I’ve worked with frequently ask me why they don’t feel better when they engage in these activities.
If this sounds familiar, it might be that you did what you think sounds good, but it might not have been what you needed. Or what your mind and body needed. As much as these fun activities can help the surface level feelings, they don’t do much for the underlying feelings, concerns, or circumstances that we endure in our daily lives. In other words, we need day to day self-care activities. Therapy can be self-care. Standing outside for 5 minutes can be self-care. Sleeping, eating, drinking water is self-care.
Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash
When we attend to our daily needs, it can feel like we are being selfish from the negative connotation. Critics in our lives may be quick to point out that we are putting our needs first, but it can actually be healthy.
So how can we use selfishness as self-care?
In this context, being selfish could mean protecting your time and making it a priority to take care of yourself. This could also mean saying no to invitations or activities in order to spend time alone.
Prioritizing ourselves can also help our relationships. The phrase “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others” comes to mind here. When we take care of ourselves, we are able to help others and engage with others in a better way. We are also less likely to take our stress out on other people. Being selfish from time to time can help us to be kinder and more supportive of others in our lives. This selfishness also shows others that self-care is important and can empower our friends, colleagues, partners, and family members.
Being selfish can also help us reach our professional goals. Taking a step back and prioritizing our personal needs can actually help us be more productive and effective at work. Take my job as a therapist, for example. If I’m not selfish in my time and my activities, I would have a lot of difficulty caring and talking to my clients! I am not doing myself or them any good and now no one receives the care they need. Not only are we better equipped to handle the stress that inevitably comes up in life, we’re less resentful of all the things we have to do when they don’t interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves. It’s also easier to stay motivated and productive when we feel like we’re choosing to work, instead of feeling like we have to.
Like anything, it’s about balance. Taking time out of our schedule to help a colleague or agreeing to an extra project can go a long way toward being seen as a team player and a helpful human being. We’re of no use to anyone when we overlook our needs and run ourselves into the ground.
Here are places where you can start:
Focus on where the balance has shifted.
Learn to say “no” and feel okay about it
Get in touch with your resistance - understanding reasons why we’re uncomfortable prioritizing our own needs
Find a therapist! Or a yoga class! (Guess what, we have them right here at Room to Breathe!)
So this is what I’ll leave you with. Dare to be selfish. Taking care of yourself is an act of courage, an act of empowerment. You are allowed to take care of yourself.
Interested in working with Dr. Ramya? Connect with her at Ramyamk@roomtobreathechicago.com