The Ebb and Flow of Grief
In our westernized culture rooted in capitalism, we reward and value productivity and achievement. We see strength in appearing to be or presenting as “happy,” strong and able-bodied, and we love a good system or process to follow; the more boxes we’re able to check, or stages we’re able to complete, the better. Therefore, we often pathologize grief, as grief is seen as a weakness- an emotion and state of being that makes us more vulnerable and less productive; we are messaged to “overcome” grief.
As I’ve written about in previous blog posts on navigating grief after a death loss, grief is not a problem to solve or stages to overcome. Grief is not linear; there is much ambiguity and uncertainty in grief, and this creates tension and disenfranchisement for grievers who feel like their experience of grief emotions doesn’t align with the stages or timeline of grief they are often messaged. This disenfranchisement continues to be reinforced in messages we hear all the time- such as the limitations and constraints in our bereavement policies, or in common phrases we hear and see on sympathy cards like “time heals all wounds.” When society continues to perpetuate the narrative that our grief is on a timeline, it is invalidating when we have the opposite experience– when instead our grief feels like a twisting and turning roller coaster about to fall off the rails at any given moment. I continue to hear from clients the ways this narrative creates more internalized pressure and shame when they see others presenting a certain way; they begin to believe they are “doing grief wrong” if they haven’t reached the “acceptance stage” by a certain date, or if they notice anger, sadness, or guilt suddenly resurfacing after months of steadiness.
This is why I appreciate and often turn to the Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement, which was introduced by Margaret Stoebe and Henk Schut in the mid-90s. Stoebe and Schut name the limitations of the westernized medical model defining and placing a timeline on the grieving process, and instead offer a more inclusive, dynamic, and adaptive approach to navigating grief. The Dual Process model (as seen in the images below) normalizes the ebb and flow of grief emotions and experiences. The model names two types of stressors & coping which are both normal parts of the grieving process: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented.
Loss-oriented stressors & coping = everything related to processing the death and loss of your person, thinking about your relationship with them and everything in your life prior to them dying. This is the heart of mourning, of missing this person in your life; this includes hearing a song that reminds you of them and starting to cry, or going through photographs or mementos that bring back memories of them being physically present with you.
Restoration-oriented stressors & coping = everything related to secondary losses or the process (and necessity) of rebuilding your life after your person dies. This includes establishing a “new normal”, creating new roles in the family or community, shifting identities, learning new skills that are necessary to take on after this person died. This is also finding a way to continue bonds, or redefining your relationship with your person in a way that acknowledges that they are no longer physically present in this world but still a meaningful presence in your life.
Most importantly, this model gives us permission to avoid or distract ourselves from either type of grief stressors. It assures us that, in fact, we actually have to avoid one in order to engage in the other; we must give our mind, body, and spirit a rest! Litsa Williams from What’s Your Grief writes “healthy grieving means engaging in a dynamic process of oscillating between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping. A griever will oscillate between confronting the loss and avoiding the loss…coping with our grief at times and seeking respite at times.”
This normalization of grief and the recognition that it's healthy (and necessary!) to oscillate between loss and restoration coping is both validating, reassuring and insightful. I’ve found this model helpful, both in my personal experience and with clients, to use as a tool for checking in with self and asking: Am I feeling balanced in loss and restoration-oriented stressors and coping? Where do I feel stuck, and what are ways I could shift? What would it look or feel like to give myself permission to oscillate- and who are my grief partners to support me in this process? What is my grief trying to tell me?
Paul Martin, author of Personal Grief Rituals, also explores thinking of this grief model from an attachment and relational lens. For example, if I had some avoidant or anxious attachment patterns in my relationship with the person who died, how is this affecting the ebb and flow of my grief? Am I finding myself stuck in restoration-oriented coping and avoiding thinking about my person altogether and fixated on moving forward; or am I feeling flooded with emotions in loss-oriented stress and unable to even imagine my life without this person present? Dual Process Model can be a helpful tool for naming and identifying these relational patterns, and working towards giving self permission (perhaps with support from a grief partner) to take small, gentle steps towards the parts of grief we are avoiding- and opening the door for the ebb and flow.
This process- the pacing, timing, stuckness, etc.- will look and feel different for everyone, which is 100% normal and valid; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I continue to find comfort in the wisdom of Andrea Gibson: the up and down motion of grief is like stitching a wound. Our wound–the death of someone in our lives–will never fully heal, and we will always have a scar. We will continue tending to that wound and giving ourselves space, permission, and compassion to practice both holding on and letting go, allowing grief to exist in its natural state of fluidity. As Andrea names, this motion– this oscillation, this in-between- is often the most healing place to be.
If you are grieving the loss of someone you love, we are holding you close in our hearts and minds and are here for you at Room to Breathe. We invite you to explore our therapy and yoga/mindfulness offerings to support you in your grief journey.
Join Margy for a grief processing workshop, Stitching the Wound: Caring for Ourselves in Grief on Sunday, October 27th at 3 pm. Learn more + register here.
Margy offers a weekly, virtual grief & loss support group for people who have had a loved one die recently; and a biweekly, virtual continuing bonds support group for those who are interested in finding community with others who are looking for meaning and connection to those they have lost and loved. Both groups are currently (as of June 2024) enrolling new members, so please reach out if you’re interested in learning more: Margy@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com.