Turning Off Your Inner Critic
As summer winds down and we transition to fall schedules, I’ve been having many conversations with people who are facing new challenges like new jobs, promotions, and moving. And, of course, with any big change or transition can come some doubt and self-criticism. This inner critic comes out in an attempt to protect us. It wants to course-correct, so we can be accepted by our fellow humans. After all, we’re interdependent on each other.
So why is the inner critic a bad thing? Criticizing ourselves (or other people) is not exactly an effective way of teaching or creating change. (Looking at you, my former PE teachers.) Actually, it can lead to feeling anxious, ashamed, inadequate, or guilty. So, let’s talk about what we can do instead that actually IS helpful.
Start to identify when it’s happening and name the thought.
Sometimes this voice can be so familiar that we don’t even give it much notice anymore. But if someone was hanging around and insulting you all day, you would definitely notice, right? The way we talk to ourselves is impactful. Create some distance from the thought by recognizing that it’s simply a thought and not fact. For example:
Initial thought: “I’m incompetent.”
Identify this as your inner critic speaking.
Name the thought and reword it as: “I’m having the thought that I’m incompetent.”
Specify what your fear is.
Oftentimes, our inner critic will speak in generalizations and absolutes. The vaguer the fear, the harder it is to challenge. Before you can evaluate how realistic a fear is, you have to figure out what exactly it is. Another example:
Initial thought: “I’m not deserving of my new job.”
Specified fear: “I’m worried I won’t perform well enough in my new job, my boss will notice, and I’ll get fired.”
Reality test.
Once you’ve specified the fear, you can check if it’s actually likely to happen. Rate the chance with a percentage. Consider what you would tell a friend who was going through the same situation. View the situation from various angles.
“There’s probably only a 5% chance I would actually get fired from my new job. My boss will know there’s a learning curve as I onboard and will train me. Even if I struggle at first, I’ll have the opportunity to ask for more support. I’ve been successful in the past when I began new jobs, even if it felt scary at first.”
Identify how you’ll cope.
Even if the fear did come true, how would you respond? Asking yourself this question can be a reminder of just how adaptable you are. We usually have options available, even in tough situations. And it helps you speak to yourself in a much kinder way.
“Even if I got fired, my resume is already updated, and I could apply to new jobs right away. I would re-evaluate my monthly budget and cut costs wherever possible. I also have a friend who recently mentioned an opening at her work, so that could be an option too.”
Give your mind a break.
When the inner critic is especially loud, it can be really hard to pull yourself away from ruminating on a past event or anticipating a future scenario. The antidote to this is staying in the present moment. I know, easier said than done. But the good news is there are so many options to try. Call a loved one, watch a favorite TV show, go for a walk, try a new recipe, pay attention to the room around you. Remember that it gets easier with practice!
Unlearning negative self-talk is hard work and takes time, but you don’t have to do it alone! If you’re struggling with your inner critic, we’re here for you!
Resource
How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen
Interested in working with Lauren? Contact her at Lauren@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com