When a person is in the beginning stages of exploring kink, it can quickly, and all too often, become viewed through the lens of the kink community—parties, play spaces, clubs, munches, etc., commonly referred to as the ‘scene.’ This can feel overwhelming to developing kinksters, possibly even deterring the less socially inclined.

The kink community is still a community, and they aren’t immune to common social group dynamics like drama or cliquishness. Maybe you just aren’t up for socializing to this degree; perhaps you err on the introverted side. Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you’re neurodivergent. Maybe you’re disabled. All of this is valid. Perhaps you aren’t an exhibitionist or just like your sex life to remain private or semi-private—this too is valid and not necessarily indicative of repression, shame, judgment, or fear. While being a part of the community can provide accountability and support in safe practices, there are many reasons why someone might not want to be part of the scene, and no one should be made to feel less than because of it. In the same ways folks can be hard-wired to prefer kinky sex over vanilla sex (and vice-versa), some folks are hard-wired to be less social. And that is OK! Choosing not to participate in play spaces doesn’t make your kinkiness any less valid. Reddit can be a helpful place to explore the kink community from the privacy of your own home.

Let’s stop, please, with the gatekeeping and make kink as inclusive as possible. Date night or bedroom-only Doms and subs? Yep, your kink is valid!

Kink and love, pleasure and pain—all of this can (and does) coexist. If your kink is gentle, sensual, and/or romantic—it’s still valid.

No one gets to tell you who or how to be—there is no “true way.” Again, kink is a spectrum, not a binary—you don’t have to pick a side. If your kink isn’t 24/7, it’s still valid.

A common misconception about kink is that it always constitutes really rough play. But kink doesn’t have hardcore requirements—it can be as gentle or rough as you want it to be. Only into light spanking or pain and soft restraints? Does the thought of nipple clamps only give you full-on anxiety? All of this is OK—if your kink doesn’t include pain, it’s still valid!

Kink can be an expensive lifestyle, with the 'rules' of play often influenced by higher income (and white) participants, thus, creating inequities in the kink community. However, it's still valid if your kink doesn't involve expensive clothes, leather, or equipment! And with a bit of imagination and creativity, it's remarkable what you can come up with just around the house.

Maybe you like just a little light degradation. Or perhaps your kink holds zero space for degradation. PSA #2—not all subs get off on degradation or humiliation—and that’s OK. If your kink is acted out politely with no degradation, it’s still valid.

To me, how sexual role fluidity can be dismissed is akin to the invalidating “pick a side” mentality that folks within the bi+ umbrella are frequently subjected to. Being a “switch” is, indeed, a “thing” and, yes, it is valid—you don’t have to pick a side!

Monogamous kinksters? You’re lucky to have found each other, and, yes, you are kinky “enough” to “count.” Your comfort and your boundaries are all valid. Enjoy each other. If you only practice kink within your monogamous partnership, your kink is still valid.

*The acronyms in the slide stand for daddy dom/little girl, adult baby/diaper lover, and caregiver/little.*

Among consenting adults, age play is not pedophilia. Not your thing? Totally ok—it’s still valid. The bottom line is that your kink and the degree to which you participate are all valid. I’ll conclude with a quote from the book Sexual Outsiders:

“No one gets to dictate what your kink looks like and you don’t have to run around seeking other people’s approval for who you want to be in the scene or in your life. Your identity is [using the name Samson as an example] Samson, and Samson is always growing and evolving. That’s your identity. If people ask you, and you feel like sharing, identify as an evolving kinkster—that leaves you open to everything. You can say ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ and you’re still Samson and still a valid, important part of the community. In fact, your lack of identity rigidity may be an example to others struggling with the same feelings of not fitting into a pre-fab box” (Ortmann & Sprott, 2015).