3 Reminders on Boundary Setting
Reminder: boundary setting is an ongoing process. No one is an expert, but you do know deep down what feels best for you, and it is always the right thing ;)
The world feels heavy right now and writing about boundaries feels general but maybe appropriate. I know how redundant the word “boundary” can feel in therapy and maybe even in conversation (when venting to a friend, or mentor). Boundaries, however, can be the first step to reclaiming your space for self and re-establishing peace in your relationships with others and other things you do (or don’t) want to spend more time with.
This will not be a “how to” or a “step by step”, just a reminder to set, reset and go easy on yourself with boundaries. I will list resources at the end of this that direct you to some stellar experts out there. Instead, this is a simple reminder that:
1. You set your own boundaries
2. Your boundaries can change, with you, you are always changing (life is in motion)
3. You do not have to be a “boundary warrior”, you are allowed to have feelings and trip up on those feelings.
Boundaries are more than just saying no to someone else or something else; when set, boundaries represent our commitment to taking care of ourselves, our relationships and allow us to live in our values. Boundaries are sometimes saying yes, making hard decisions, having hard conversations, breathing deeper, slowing down, standing up and advocating for a cause you feel deeply about, and creating more space in your life for joy.
A quick list on where boundaries can and do show up in life
(Quick tip: sit down and make your list or check mark the ones that resonate)
* Summer boundaries - so many commitments, or things I want to do and not enough time in the day or the short three months of summer
* Boundaries with work and all my other responsibilities, wfh and managing schedules-we are still transitioning
* Difficult conversations on politics, values, and important movements you are committed to, but someone close to you is not
* How to be committed to said movement or thing you are wanting to advocate for more (I am sure you are doing enough)
* Accepting that others are allowed to say no
* How others react to boundaries and reacting to their reaction- oh bother.
You set your own boundaries. Read as: You make the rules.
It is easier to say “just set boundaries” than it is to actually set them and hold them. I think it’s sometimes even hard to recognize where they are needed. The easiest analogy for me to understand is bowling with the option of bumpers. I am a fairly competitive person, so the idea of trying to make something easier sometimes feels like cheating. However, I am not a professional bowler and so whether I use the bumpers or not, is completely my choice and will not have any consequence or impact on me. I don’t have to waste my energy on trying harder. In fact, having the option gives me space, comfort, and guidance. I get to remove them and add them on my own accord.
Another one: the hand rail for the stairs. At times we hold on without notice, at times we are injured, less sure footed, maybe afraid, and the railing is there. Like the hand rails and bumpers, boundaries keep us safe and protect our well-being. They are there as a reminder that we get to protect our energy and not use every last bit of it. Setting up a boundary in your relationships and lifestyle give you more opportunities to protect your energy, stay true to your values and take care of your wellbeing.
you don’t have to go to that gathering if you’re tired
You can wake up every morning and sit for a second before doing anything for someone else (if you have children this might mean waking up earlier or breathing through the poking)
You can turn your email notifications off at certain times and weekends - you can turn them back on as needed.
The boundaries you set can always change.
They can be strong and firm, or faint and there as a back up. Just like bumpers are optional and handrails can just be there but not held. When it comes to changing our boundaries, there is no right way to say it or do it. We may get some backlash, “why you change your mind”, but that doesn’t mean we have to justify or explain why. I think this is the harder part, the discomfort of change and not holding someone else’s judgment or discomfort- just working through our own and coming back to our need for space and boundary.
Example: you said yes to driving someone to the airport.
Boundary: driving to the airport takes time, brings up anxiety with rush hour traffic, you want to get some errands done for yourself.
“I can’t drive you to the airport, I am sorry” and next time you don’t make the commitment.
You’re allowed to be sorry when you set a boundary and you can undo commitments and be less committed next time the situation comes up. Back to number one, you make the rules. And yes, sometimes feelings are hurt, but it is important that you don’t hurt yourself. Setting strong or loose boundaries is up to you, you get to loosen them or tighten them as you go!
Which brings up the third part of this boundary reminder -
You don’t have to be a boundary warrior.
Setting boundaries is hard, because we are human and we don’t like hurting other humans feelings. The next time we feel a boundary needing to be set and all the emotions come up and the thoughts about hurting feelings - it’s important to remember that the first person whose feelings matter the most is you. Secondly, if you hurt your own feelings in not setting a boundary it usually ends up poorly for all. You may stumble on your delivery, try to justify or explain at times, and feel all the guilt, because setting boundaries is hard. But, the more you set them the simpler it can become because you see the option of choosing you first a little more clearly. This is called growth and allowing yourself to feel. Ah, what a beautiful (and very hard and sometimes scary) thing.
If you’ve been in therapy for a while, I imagine boundaries come up a lot. I’m proud of you for working through them, it’s an ever growing and changing adventure. If you’re not in therapy, we’re here for you!!
Resources:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by: Nedra Tawaab
Language of Letting Go, an app by Melodie Beetie, author of Codependent No More
Worksheet - reflection on boundaries.
Continue the boundary setting conversation and join our upcoming book club for Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Sara will hold a validating space to reflect on her guidance and how to be accountable to setting and holding boundaries. Register here!
Interested in working with Sara? Connect with her at Sara@RoomToBreatheChicago.Com