Navigating Relationships - How A Couples Therapist Can Help
As a couples therapist, I get asked a lot of questions. They can range from how do you communicate more effectively with your partner, all the way to, can you tell them there’s a right way and a wrong way to load the dishwasher?! Let me tell you, there is no right or wrong way, as long as that dishwasher gets loaded. What is most interesting, and arguably most important, are the topics not being addressed. These topics people tend to shy away from, or only bring up in the heat of an argument. The topics of sex, money, family boundary violations, differences in faith, the list can go on and on depending on the couple. But the common thread is these topics tend to evoke deep emotions, emotions that can hit upon our innermost vulnerabilities. It can be hard for some to even think about those topics in their head, let alone with their partner. Addressing these points can be so overwhelming that people and couples can go years without talking about the big elephant in the room.
How couples therapy can help
So how do you push through the overwhelm, the anxiety, the downright pure panic of saying to your partner I want more from our sex life? Or I want to re-establish the way we manage our finances. Or we need to set stricter boundaries with our parents. This is where couples therapy can help. A couples therapist can help guide both you and your partner through a conversation to explore your wants and needs. They can also identify any barriers or past trauma that may be blocking your ability to be vulnerable with yourself and your partner. This can apply to any of the hard conversations you want to have with your significant other, but may be avoiding. A couples therapist is also trained and has the ability to help both partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Part of the work I do with couples is all about making sure we have a mutual, common understanding of the backgrounds both people are bringing to the relationship. Exploring the ins and outs of how we learned about sex, money, respect, emotional regulation, all impacts how we relate to romantic partners as adults. Knowing your partner has an emotional bruise because of a trauma from a past relationship or childhood, helps partners know their significant other may need some additional TLC.
Oftentimes, what deters us from talking about vulnerable things is the emotional connection we feel, or don’t feel, with the other person. It is much easier to access those deeper emotions if we know the other person can hold our emotions like a little baby bird in their hands without crushing it. Our emotions are those baby birds, we want to know our partner will take care of that baby bird and be gentle and compassionate. When we realize our partners can hold our emotions like this, it becomes a lot easier to have the hard conversations about finances, sex, the kids, how to take care of aging parents, and any other tough topic that comes our way.
Photo by Ramiro Martinez on Unsplash
If these are the types of things you are looking to talk about with your partner, reach out to a couples therapist. It is so worthwhile to address these topics proactively and with a third party. We are here to help!
Join Katie’s couples workshop Make Your Relationship Kick-Ass: Navigating Next Steps starting June 6th, 2024!